Wow, so well-written. It sounds also like you have been searching and understanding your soul; as if you have been delving into its depths in a spiritual search, for a long time. These are the things that bring growth. I believe we always want pleasure and joy, the absence of pain, but...the times when we struggle are the times when we grow and learn about ourselves and the world around us. You are not responsible for his soul, but it sounds like you have understood him with kindness. Maybe it doesn't feel like that, but this is how it reads. Keep growing and writing. You write so well.